Lost Focus???

It's been really hard to set goals lately... I have been struggling with what to write down, honestly I haven't written anything down, but it has been hard to think of anything worthy of writing down if I was going to... I have never found it this difficult before... Lately i have just felt like nothing is working and been throwing pity parties for my self... at least it kind of seems that way... What is it that I need to be doing right now... I am going back and forth between the same thing that i have always been called to do, or some new things for 2010... as i am typing I am realizing how silly this seems... I feel embarrassed to even put this down, thankfully very few will read this... but I think I have lost focus on what I am supposed to be doing... 2009 was rough, and I don't exactly know why... I think I have placed to much on success and trying to gain something... I have lost the joy of just being in the presence of God and enjoying being totally and unashamedly obedient to Him... My worth has been determined by how things are going at church and home, not how things are going with God and myself... I have been focused on programs and teaching others how to lead, when I have let my own discipline and discipleship become dependent on how others are doing... I have lost the joy of listening and being with people... I am feeling uncomfortable around others, like I don't know what to say... i always feel the need to teach, because I have forgotten how to jsut hang out... this is starting to sound like a Twilight post, very dramatic... I am beginning some old things this year... going back to some basics... I know this makes no sense, but this one is really for me not for you.. I'm sorry to put it that way, but I just needed to start posting something again... I need to find what once changed my life in a radical way... to find that love, that total joy in obedience that I once had and that I want so desparately...